Why do u kept appearing in my dreams???

This is the dunno how many time u had been appearin in my dreams, I dun wish to dream about u but another one. The feelings is diiferent than last time already, I admit I admire last time but it is over cos u had someone else at tt time. And now I dun even know abt my feelings now, I dun wish to talk abt this now cos it is really suffering. As I heard it from so many ppl yar so dun talk abt this den.
As for the dream let me name him A and the gal B, in real life the B had a crush on A from the beginning of the year till now. And in my dream they were already together happily as I still do not know anythin until when there is once they were together outside the school library. I am oso there talkin to A and saw B with her younger brother, then A said he got to go and he turned to B and hold her hand and I was so shocked. Suddenly I felt my heart was broken into many pieces, my eyes were watery. And I looked at A and tell him I got to go too as I turned I guess he saw my watery eyes he ran to me hold my arm and ask me to stop. I turned and look at him and then at B he looked straight into my eyes and said are you Ok, i replied yar I'm alright and I need to go. I pushed away his hand and walked away my tears ran down my face do not know what I should do and continue walkin.
And then I was awaked by my brother. I do not know waht does this dream means, can anyone tell me? I know I had forgotten him as I treated him as a bestie now and nothin else but he is always appearin in my dreams. I did not tell anyone cos I dunno what are they goin to comment but I write it here cos I dunno oso lar and I wish tt those hu read this will leave some comments. Frankly speaking I dun understand or can say as dun even know what is love yar wanna know...

Wanna get out frm tt world of mine!!!

How do I get in there, why am I there, why am I being tortured by the ppl around me and how can I get out from there? I deserve those tortures, but why am I here can't they send me to orphanage home, hostel or throw me in the street. Why can't they do anythin like tt but to left me here and wondering of stupid staff and end up creatin my own stupid world, this world tt I created is now killing me and not leavin me with a single bone. They let me feel so lonely it looks like there is only 4 walls filled with words like hate urself more, these troubles is u the one who created so u deserve it, I hate u, u are so useless and many more tt made me feel like doin things tt can end my world here. Am I tt bad can anyone tell me pls??? I'm cryin inside but smiling outside who can I find I find anyone who I could lean on and cry out loud, who knows how I feel? No one or maybe one and is enough I guess tt is God bah, but I can't find Him in tt world I was wonderin is God with me while I'm in tt world? Holy Spirit told me yes God is always with u but I can't feel it... I feel like being thrown into this world tt they would seperate me and the others away. No wonder I feel tt I had changed into someone else as I disturb ppl, being rude to ppl and I dun think tt I'm such a person last time.

I use to be a person who can help ppl with problems, being someone who can help ppl and bein somone who need help is really different. Where am I now in my own world still or back to myself wanna know... I dun mind to do anythin just to get out of tt world even if my fren wanna slap me cos Ameera said one day I will be slapped by her. So now should I or shouldn't I do this just to get a slap by her or to ask someone else slap me den. Get no trust from my mom cos she kept thinkin tt I will go back to my father, y must she think this way she hurt my feelings lor. As she know tt I will always be with her till my very last second of my life but she changed everythin she make me feel tt I'm nobody's... Sigh so disappointed... :'(

How God help me this week...

Wow this week can say tt God is really lookin at my paths, guidin me, leading me to where ever I want to go. My mom and I is gettin ok now as I know tt God is with us always, and God know me more than anyone knows and He knows what I am weak in and wat I am strong at as for school I had a few test this week quite scary but I prayed for it and ask God for wisdom and not only tt havin faith in God is most important. I had a Maths and a English test on Tuesday, I prayed tt I will not be careless for maths and as for english read the question properly. On Tuesday I sat for my maths test first and when I saw the paper I prayed again for helpin me to calm myself down and I start doin knowing tt God is watchin over me and for tt I do not need to be afraid. as for English I prayed too but doubt a little cos my english always had been either just pass or pass but not reached my teacher expectation. On Wednesday my teacher give out maths test paper, I am surprised and filled with thankful heart as God let me get full marks and also taking the 1st position. Haha Thanks Lord. As for english forgotten when teacher gave out I am not really satisfied with wat I've got but my teacher did not say anything as she always comment on ppl to work hard or work Extra hard...
As for NPCC I don't really like my post as I do not know wat to do and as for my post it is about project thingy and i don't really know wat is it about too and as for today i was asked to write an article I do not know how to do as my english is already tt bad and I do not have any Idea on how to write about Sec1 swearing ceremony, even though I did go but I just do not know wat to write. And before all this means I do not know about the article, I was talkin to my fren about our post as he was a logistic and he said there is alot of things to do and I do not know y i feel like goin to tt post cos at least I got something to do durin trainin. I prayed about this too and yeterday I called the chairman to ask wat to bring and wat am i suppose to do for today training and he told me tt my post had been switched from PPPM to Logistic I was so happy and thank God immediately even though I was talking to him on the phone. Today as I said earlier doin the article as being forced to do so stressed up as i do not know how to do... But happy to say tt God had been knowin wat I need so He changed my post and surprisingly I got praised from my ma'am cos I always get scoldin and nv get praises at all but this is the first time got praised haha so happy thanks to Lord for telling me wat to do.
Other than NPCC, my class this fren who like to come to me always helpin me always be by my side as he treat me as his sister or dunno wat lar but I know a lot of my frenz who does not belong to my class and dunno thought he was my stead haha wish so but too bad i do not not know he like me not and he is not a christian sob sob but i am still happy tt he is always with me and others got jealous when they saw us walkin so close to each other and talkin, playing and do all kinds of stupid staff haha lame nvm... Wish they will not misunderstood us... And hope we will alwasy be together bah let God decide our path then...
As for another classmate in a sudden of a blue moon call me mei mei and he also treat me veri well also haha.

Thanks Lord for everything tt u had blessed me with true friends, love and faith. I commit every other things on to ur hands Lord. Blessed others with your everlasting love as it can be shared through many many ppl. Especially for the non-christians Lord i pray tt we as ur little light will lead others to u and will always be commited to u. Lord I also pray tt I will serve you with all my hearts and souls and that will bring glory to your name. Love u always, In Jesus name I prayed, Amen.

Stop thinking of the negetive staff...

Trying to stop myself from thinkin the negative staffs like i wish to end my world or things tt can hurt myself so tt i can feel much better. I'm wrong cos I know tt God is with me last Sunday I did not go to chuch cos of some stupid reason firstly say wrong things early in the morning and broke my mom's heart and got angry with myself, secondly can't concentrate while havin Quiet Time with God. I am really angry and upset with myself, wishing tt I might die soon so my mom won't get too sad because of me, I know I had been giving trouble to my mom and my mom did not say a single thing to me... I cried to God the whole morning as my whole heart sank to the bottom of no where, I asked God for forgiveness for what I've did and thought tt is against God. I told God tt I am willing to change and willing to surrender my will and heart to God. As Romans12:1 tells us,"Present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptance to God." Be willing to sacrifice your agenda for God's greater purposes. When we make that choice, God can use us to do great things for Him. Right? I prayed for a long time and I heard like the holy spirit telling me tt God is with you always and God understand you. After hearing that i told myself tt I got to stand up firm and continue to walk in the path tt God wants me to go as I know tt God will show me great things but I got to be patient tts all... Thank you, Lord, I Love You, Lord!!!
Lord also let me found out that god is really listening to each of our prayers as for me it works in every way and the only key is to have Faith tt wat my gan kor always talks about...Haha There is a qeustion tt I wish God could answer me tt is about a fren of mine making fun of God sayin tt God is still on the cross and we are not saved, after hearing it I can't control myself and scolded him tt if u don't now anything pls dun anyhow say but good to say tt my fren did not hear it, if not we will sure end up quarrelling. I told God about this whole incident and God seems to answer me by one of my Quiet time with God I read this "Be courteous; not returning evil for evil or reviling for reviling, but on the contrary blessing."- 1Peter 3:8-9 We must have loving & forgiving attitudes. When the Saviour was insulted; do not repay with an insult. As we could ask the Holy Spirit for God's help, respond in a Christ like way to false accusation or gossip....

Wat a Surprise!!!

This year is the most memorable year for my whole life as for today is the day tt i grow 1 year older and must take more responsible as I am already 15. Haha I had never wanted to let anyone know about my birthday but last month my friends was talkin about birth months and when they talked about August some of them remembered mine. I don't know it is good or bad, but after things had happen i may say it is fun, happy and most of all memorable.

I was wondering who will be the first to wish me and Kasthuri wanted to be first but so sad my godbrother Jeremy came first to wish me as he wished me at axactly 12am haha, thanks a lot man Kor. Next is Kasthuri she wished me at around 5.45am this morning just nice to wake me up. She asked me who is the first to wish me and when she heard is Jeremy she said wah so bad arh blah blah blah haha jealous mah... Then next is the rest of the class or maybe can say is Sufiandi as when he step into the class only he shouted happy birthday to me so loudly and the others of my friends surrounding me heard it they all turned at me and one by one wished me, thanks to everyone of them who made my day so happy... Then he gave me a present and it was a TAMAGOTCHI and I was really happy as i never thought of having it.

When I came into class I know somethin was wrong as 2 of my besties who did not even talked to me as usually they will come to me and talk craps but for today, they both were talking to each other and ignoring me and after I sat down on my place they both stood up and took a big plastic bag and walked out of the classroom. Then when they walked out I was wondering wat are they doin outside. Just then one of my classmate came in and he looked at me and keep smiling and makin one anoyin noise to irritate me. I looked at him and he shooked his head and makin the noise I asked to stop it and he say cannot arh and we start arguin with each other as wat we always did.

After school we got course and kasthuri with the big mouth told the 2 teachers who take us for the course, then after the course actually got NPCC training but they brought me to our favourite hang out and we called it our house since sec2 as it was the best hang out place cos we mostly we go there to do our dance practices, talking craps, play and almost all our memories were found in there... Back to the story haha, they brought me there they dun allow me to go and I thought they were there to slack cos they were all walikng around chit chatting with one another, just then i felt somethin was really wrong as they were whispering to themselves and when i am goin near them they stopped everything they made it so obvious. Then I realised that two of my frens were missing i asked the others they told me tt they go take something. Then I saw Suria Coke, Ameera taking 1 big cake and i also saw Ms Rashidah my favourite teachers. We surrounded them and they put the candles on the cake and asked me to stand infront of the cake as I was the birthday girl, they sang birthday song and ask me to make a wish a blow the candles. After blowing they get ready the camera and ask me to cut the cake as they take a photo. After tt they distribute the cakes and this is the part where they came and bully me, Ameera came and without knowin tt her hand is filled with cream until I saw her hand and as i was holdin on to my cake i ran and still she caught me and put the cream on my face then they start filling water bottles with water as i thot they wanted to drink but they came to me and poured on me, then the others came to spray water on me and I was totally wet then they started to splash on each other and everyone got wet except 2 Denise and Kassim who escaped from us... I do not know how to go NPCC in this wet school uniform but i still went there and it was very fun and really memorable...
Thanks to Kasthuri, Denise, Shahirah, Suria, Ameera, Jamie, Kassim and most of all Ms Rashidah as they help me have this wonderful time. And I want to thanks those who wish me happy birthday and gave me prsents this is the first time that I had recieved so many presents from my family members and friends... Luv u ppl forever...

Never felt so weak before...

Today there is NDP training and it was a bad day for me... I nearly fainted on the parade good that I walk out myself it is so embarass... Sigh I thought it was a nightmare but while I was trying to wake myself up I feel that I am really restless until I can't even open my eyes, I can't hear, can't see and my head was realy giddy. I was brought to the sick bay by 2 teachers, they ask me to rest on the bed, I close my eyes as I even open my eyes. My friends came to see me and brought me an ice-mountain and they kept asking me to drink as much as I could, they said my face is so pale. Then Kasthuri came she was so anxious that she looked at me like one kind, I am scared of that look as she likes to look at me with that... But I am also touched by her as she really take care of me thats why I loved to go with her but sometimes we will have some arguments and it will always be solved within 2 days. Then after resting I continue the parade and felt much better as the sir helped me change my place to a under the shade but after all again I feel very uneasy and good that it is the ending of the parade I felt the same and my friend told me that I looks very pale and again I rested till the whole NDP and NPCC training is over...